Soft Wood

Soft Wood is labeled "America's New Comedy and Parody Magazine" and "From the People That Bring You Heavy Metal Magazine".  First surfacing as an April Fool's joke, then announced as a real thing in June, I got my copy (with the Cover A "Gepetto" by Cedric Peyravernay, which is also the inside cover art) in a comic shop in September.


I'm annoyed this thing exists.  If this had come out as a Humor Special or other HM publication in the course of a normal year, I would have felt better about it.  But this year, when HM only publishes 4 issues, including this attempt at a new magazine, I felt the effort would have been better spent getting Heavy Metal Magazine published the stated 6 times in a year.  (HM just announced #296, but it's just up for pre-order yet, so no way it comes out this year.)  Most all of the stories, and there are many, would have fit just fine in "regular" issues.  It's been disheartening these past few years that the mag hasn't been able to keep up a regular pace, pretty much since the end of the Eastman Era (which may not have been flawless, especially around the time issues started to be numbered.  Hard to think that was 7 years ago).


I was almost annoyed enough to not bother with a review, and treat this as an aberration, but I figured the creators' work is worthy of attention (heck, they probably thought they were submitting to Heavy Metal, and I bet plenty are happy to be in something at least HM-adjacent), and I need to be able to take what I can get, with HM and everything else, 'cause nothin' lasts forever, especially not me.  So here goes, then I can get to #295 before the end of the year.


First off, the logo is credited, "Heavy Metal & Soft Wood Logos by Peter Kleinman" right at the bottom of the first contents page.  I had read before about the original logo on Lostboy's heavymetalmagazinefanpage.com/history but it's cool he was able to provide the Soft Wood logo too, and get the credit.


"Camp Micro-Penis" by Shannon Wheeler - 6 - A boy at camp tells the story of another boy's "Super Tiny Penis".  This tries to rise above the joke by telling of the unfortunate lad's grace and sacrifice, but with only moderate success.


"Blue Haiku" by Marc Koprinarov and Scott R Miller - 5 - A series of illustrations in an inspirational poster style, but with subjects I can describe as sarcastic, accompanied by haiku-like verse with often sexual tone.  The art and verse have little to do with each other, perhaps trying for a sharp mystery but I'm only getting a sense of murky confusion.  If I liked it better, that might have been part of its charm, but...


"Jake Likes Onions" by Jake Thompson - 6 - There are a few of these one-pagers by Mr Thompson in this mag, with some decent black-and-white illustrations and a single joke, some are better than others.


"Suicity" by Osmarco Valladao, Manoel M, Carlos Cabrera - 5 - A citizen of a future-noir city jumps off a building, and is stopped by a security drone in mid-fall.  Berated for law breaking by a clown-faced screen, including unauthorized suicide attempt.  The penalty for which is death, so it lets him drop.  Doesn't seem as funny as it may have been intended.


"Cartoon" by Shannon Wheeler - 4 - Angels in heaven, critiquing an angel rock band.


"Star Cycles" by Tom Pinchuk, Denis Medri, Troy Peteri - 5 - The story of a human interstellar hero, told as a tv retrospective with snippets of interviews of associates.  It looks good and has some good lines. 


Another "Jake Likes Onions" - 4


"Newsflash" by Krent Able - 6 - A tv news program seems to take its data from personal intimate measurements of the personnel.  This is notable for the graphic depictions of the intimate measurements.  There's a Readers' Survey at the end, I am apparently "just too thick to get it".


"Comix" by Alex Jenkins - 5 - A handful of one-page jokes.  Wordless with simple art, they may not say a lot, but they do so with a certain amount of naïve charm.


"Watchmensch" by Rich Johnston, Simon Rohrmuller, Matthew Vega, John Higgins - 4 - Apparently a parody of Watchmen.  I haven't read that, and but for a bit of recent internet jabber about Alan Moore and superhero comics, and apparently a tv show, I am clueless.  I catch a couple cameos, Ozzy, Comic Book Guy, Krustofski, is that Mr Morrison?  And there's some article parody in the middle that is not continued overleaf.  I don't know from mainstream comics, and not knowing the inside jokes, I did not have fun reading this, my loss I'm sure. 


"Baphomet Ad" by Krent Able - 6 - A rather fun two-page magazine ad parody, for a remote-controlled Baphomet toy.  Some of the jokes were pretty funny, I liked the "omni-directional death mound" myself.


"Who, MD" by Tony Lee, Dan Boultwood, Adam Wollet - 6 - A family struggles to accommodate Grandpa's peculiar demands, starts off-the-wall and dials up the crazy from there, with a twist at the ending.  Fun modern art with a fast-paced story, it's got some things to offer.


"BLARGH the Creature from Kraaka-5" by Rafer Roberts and Robert Sean - 7 - A scientist Dr Gravely and his assistant Billy encounter BLARGH in his hunt for his enemies on earth.  Made to look like old comic dot-shading on tattered pages, it plays up the fun of sarcastic nostalgia.  Maybe not pretty, but enjoyable.


"Evan Dorkin's Fun Strips" by (um) Evan Dorkin and Charo Solis - 6 - Sixteen Fun Strips, providing varying amounts of Fun.  I liked the Socket Ghost in Busy Body Grandma, and the Extry the Quisp-looking alien in Science Fiction Theatre.


Another "Jake Likes Onions" - 4


"Doctor Gravely and Billy in:  Lord of the Fruit Flies" by Sean Frost and Rafer Roberts - 7 - Doctor Gravely helps Billy with his Science Fair project.  Classic.


"Food Fight" by Jesse Blaze Snider, Steve Kurth, D.C. Hopkins - 7 - A take on civil unrest in the context of an "uprising of anthropomorphic mutant animals".  Nicely drawn with some bits of humor, and the writing had enough insight to find it enjoyable.


"Attack of the 50ft Fred" by Shannon Eric Denton and Benjamin Lackey - 6 - A horny 50s guy is abducted by aliens after getting shut down by his girlfriend at the makeout spot, and improbably survives mortal combat to emerge victorious.  Moderately funny with nicely energetic art.


Another "Jake Likes Onions" - 5


"Blue Haiku 2" by Marc Koprinarov and Voodoo Salad - 6 - More perverted verse with a different artist's work accompanying.  The art is stylized portraits with no relation to the verse, but I thought it was a bit more imaginative and interesting.


"Demonopolis" by Bob Fingerman - 7 - Sewage worker demons join their boss for dinner.  I like Mr Fingerman's Dotty's Inferno, seen in HM #s 290 and 291, the art is fun and the jokes are funny, happy to see more of his similar work here.


"The Furious Friendship Goats" by Tony Fleecs, Celor, Vladimir Popov, Micah Myers - 6 - So, three magic goats have to throw verbal abuse at each other, or else the world stops spinning.  The art is sparkles and pastels like a kid's comic, and the premise can be amusing, but the jokes are juvenile bro humor that I can find tiresome at my age.  In conclusion, get off my lawn.


"The Second to Last Seal" by Sean Chen and Dee Cunniffe - 7.5 - Death comes for an unready man.  I haven't really seen the Seventh Seal movie this is referencing, But I think I got the idea, and I quite enjoyed the storytelling and the jokes as the man delays his fate.  And it says "To be continued..."


"Cartoon" by Shannon Wheeler - 5 - Another joke with Death


Another "Jake Likes Onions" by Jake Thompson - 5 - "If People Had Tails", more funny because it's more true.


So there is some Heavy Metal Fun available in this mag, and it would not be the worst Heavy Metal Magazine ever, by any estimation.  Trying to get over my annoyance, I'll just sit here and quietly hope that HM will continue publishing and I will continue to be able to buy them and express my little opinions into the ethereal void.